WHEN YA GOTTA GO.....

Upon entering the women's rest room in a Massachusetts rest area, I was presented with this enormous poster.

It was a diagram of the impending toilet I was going to use. No other Water Closet I have ever entered provided me with this type of intricate demonstration of the device I was going to use.

They called it the GREEN TOILET.

I do not possess a photographic memory, so the only thing I remembered about the informational poster were the words Green Toilet. This was what I was sorta expecting.

This was the second informational poster that was provided INSIDE the stall. I felt like I should have brought a notebook to take notes...this was way too much information. So what precisely did this 'green' toilet look like????

THIS is what it looked like.

The blackest black hole I've ever seen. This is not a trick of the camera. There was no bottom, there were no sides to be seen. Just total, unending blackness, unlike anything I've ever seen.

I imagine this is what a black hole in outer space must be like.

Speaking of bottoms, whenever I use a public facility, there is nothing that I touch that isn't separated from my skin by several, thick layers of tissue paper. So careful am I about this, that technically I don't even need to wash my hands as my hands never actually touch anything.

(Don't worry, birdman, I do wash my hands anyway....)

So one of my chores to get the job done was to put layers of toilet paper onto the seat itself before use. Well, I soon discovered that there was a 'breeze' coming up from the black hole!

None of the tissue paper would stay on the seat, it would be blown off the second I let go of it!!

After several failed attempts, I knew I had to do the dreaded hover technique. Fortunately my job to do wasn't complicated, if you get my drift.

Even with the 'breeze', amazingly there was NO smell of any kind, good or bad.

Not knowing what to expect when expecting a 'green' toilet, at least it wasn't this.....

Which it could have been!!

Speaking of doing the job, imagine how this Guiness Book World Records holder would take care of business??
ANY business...

Come to find out she hadn't cut her nails since 1979. 

Here is a quote from her when asked about the topic of this post:

"........she was asked the inevitable question about how she goes uses the bathroom, she replied: 'Very carefully'.

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW!!!!!!!!!

Sad update: (get a tissue, toilet or otherwise...) She was recently in a car accident and was thrown from the SUV and lost all her nails. She was devastated. 

Some things I noticed today.....other than it's raining.

Current observation......WHEW!!!!!....Horseradish sauce clears your sinuses in a split second! 

I wanted something with a little punch added to my plain chicken tonight. Pulled this out of the fridge. Yowza!!!!

I was watching Oprah earlier. She had on a Doctor (not Phil) that discussed various physical issues that folks in the audience had. When asked about toenail fungus, he said the only thing that works is an oral pill.

BUT a side effect could be liver failure! 

LIVER FAILURE !!!!!!!

Who, may I ask, would risk that for toe nail fungus??

My personal solution for those patients: colored nail polish. 

(WARNING: Could cause wallet failure if you have someone else do it, tho.)

Talking about fungus, how come some words are only used in certain phrases?

For example:

“He was brandishing a gun.” Brandishing? I’ve never heard that word used in any other way....

or

“We will garnish your wages.” I don’t think it means sticking a piece of parsley in your wallet.

or

How about, “it was a miscarriage of justice....” I guess that could be pretty yucky.

Speaking of wages, I live in a house that is almost 200 years old, so many things are crooked, I've observed. That is due to many things,  ie. gravity, wood rot, earthquakes, slamming of doors when I’m pissed off, etc., etc. 

I DON’T think it was built this way, even if the original owner had had his wages garnished.....

But I noticed in my self-imposed, manditory 24/7 internet research, that certain architects design things in rather unsquare ways.....on purpose....even without anyone brandishing a gun at them.

See for yourself....

Lest you think these images are some photoshop creations, they are not. 

These domiciles are on the level.

WHAT THE HECK ??????????

I was checking my e-mails this morning and I got one from Walmart. I'm apparently on their mailing list. I opened it up and saw this:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I mean, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

As most of you know, I am a teacher. So is Mr. Downeastdoingstuff. 

In this non-existant summer of rain and cold, my summer has barely begun. So seeing this made things even more desperate than they currently are! Where the frig is the summer???

Thinking about (gulp) s-c-h-o-o-l, I remembered this little diddy that was posted on the fridge in the teacher's room a while back. This was how it was when I first started teaching. (Or so it seems)

“To Teachers”    1870

 

1870:“Each day teachers will fill lamps, clean chimneys and trim wicks.”

2009: I turn on the light switch, sometimes. There are 2 of them, so it’s double the work.

1870:“Each teacher will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day session.”

2009: I have 2 sinks. I check if the hot water is turned on, which it isn’t until the boilers are turned on. I don't like that.

AND If the room is too cold, which it usually is for MY taste, I get out my paperclip which I have fashioned into a NASA type of tool, and go and adjust the locked thermostat. I just have to remember to adjust it back down before I leave so I don't get busted.

1870:“Make pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to the individual taste of the pupil.”

2009: I curse the custodian when she forgets to empty the refuse tray in my electric pencil sharpener. SOMETIMES a pencil nib get stuck in the sharpener, rendering it useless. It ruins my day.

 

1870:“Men teachers may take one night each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go to church regularly.”

2009:  WHAT? WHAT? “Men teachers!!” WHO do they court? Wouldn’t the women teachers need one night a week to BE courted?? I'm glad I'm married!!

 

1870:“After school the teacher must spend the time until supper reading the Bible and other good books.”

2009: And WHO is making the ‘supper’????

Does the Dr. Phil Show count as a good book?

 

1870:Women teachers who marry or engage in unseemly conduct will be discharged.

2009: Uh Oh. Hmmmm. No comment.

 

1870: Every teacher should lay aside from each month’s pay a goodly sum for his benefit during his declining years so that he will not become a burden on society.

2009: Every teacher will put their money into a retirement account and then watch the money disappear in this economy. Every teacher will continue to put money into this bogus account, even though most of it continues to evaporate.

 

1870: Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor  in any form, frequents pool halls or public hall, or gets shaved in a barber shop, shall give good reason to suspect his worth, integrity and honesty.

2009: I’ve got to stop getting shaved in a barber shop! I don’t smoke, but I have been known to use liquor, ahem, now and then. (Like, EVERYDAY !!) (I see my job is in big trouble.)

 

1870: The teacher who performs his duties regularly and faithfully and without fault for five years, wil be given an increase of 25 cents a week in his pay, providing the Board of education approves.

2009: This is still TRUE.

OH PLEASE, why are we talking about THIS in July !!!!????????&^&^%%$$###@@)(*&

WALMART, CUT THE CRAP !!

Happy Birthday to the love of my life....

Today is Mr. Downeastdoingstuff's birthday. I dedicate this post to him.

He is my BFF (sorry, Donna). My Best Friend Forever and Ever, so I guess he's my BFFAE.

I'm so glad this day exists, because if he wasn't born on this day, I wouldn't have my BFFAE, and that would be very sad.

He is also the best looking guy in the world, as you can see below....

Oops, sorry, that's Johnny Depp. He's also good looking, but not as good as Mr. Downeastdoingstuff.

OK, OK, here is a picture of him.....
Oh, this is embarrassing....that's Tom Selleck (I just realized, if you're not old enough, you might not know who he is....) (Not that I'M that old, I just heard about him somewhere, I think, and thought he was sweet.)

Alright, this is Mr. Downeastdoingstuff.
OMG. I don't know what's happening? This isn't him either! It's Gerard Butler as the Phantom of the Opera, I think. I don't know how he got into this blog post. He is darn cute, though, now that I look at him...And as the Phantom, be still my heart. I would've picked the Phantom over that Raoul guy any day, oh yes and what a bod! And those eyes........

Ahem. cough. cough.

Ok, Ok, OK....THIS IS HIM !!!  A couple of years younger and reading a book already. He's so smart.

(YES, It really is him...) 

Happy Birthday to the best husband in the world! I love you Birdman.

I don't like to iron, do you?

My mother used to iron everything. Hankercheifs (precursors to kleenex), sheets and who knows what else? I have never seen an iron in my father's hands.

So when I got married, it took me about 15 minutes to realize that I ain't gonna be ironing anything like her.

It took me 15 minutes of ironing both of our clothes in the tiny space in our apartment between the dining 'area' and the living room, while my newly-wed  had his feet up watching a football game on the T.V., to realize that this is not the way it was going to be.

That was it.

Eversince then, for the past 34 years, it's been every man for himself. I iron my own stuff, and he irons his.

Period.

Here is a picture of me ironing in those good old days......

Now, speaking of ironing, someone I know thought it would be a good idea, one day, to iron a shirt while it was ON his body. This person is normally an intelligent human being, but on this particular day, there must have been a mental lapse of some sort. An episode. He now possesses a permanent reminder, a branding, of exactly what the shape of the tip of that iron was. Look for yourself....

A forensic department, if this was a crime scene, would be able to say instantly and unequivocally, 'Case Closed'.

I agree.

Now, upon further investigation, apparently not everyone irons like my mother did, or even like I did back in those days.

For example...

I remember my mother used to spritz her clothes with water, roll them up, put them in plastic bags and put the clothes in the Frigidaire,  for a while. (DON'T ask me why....)

Now, this guy just goes to the arctic to iron, thus not needing a fridge. I guess I never thought about who ironed the penguins suits !!

This guy must be high!

No need to spritz the clothes where this guy irons. ( I don't know, but if there's a tag on every hairdryer that tells you not to use it in the tub, wouldn't there be one of those tags on an iron, too?) I'm just saying....

This guy needs to invest in some wrinkle-free clothing.

See, everyone spritzes their clothes before ironing!


Just make sure you check that tow rope while you are ironing! Nice and taut. 

Back of a Taxi......

Anyway, anybody notice, that all of these people ironing (except for me at the beginning) are MEN?

Again, case closed.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy !

23 years ago today, this sweet angel came into the world.

It's hard to believe it's been that long. It's been a wonderful 23 years.
I love you, I love you, I love you. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Oh yeah, P.S., THE SUN IS OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm finally gardening ! (IN THE RAIN !!!!!)

OK, OK. enough is enough. I HAVE to garden. I can't wait around for a month in June and July NOT to garden !!

Oh, yeah, It's raining. Rained all day yesterday, too. The only 2 days it didn't rain, at least not all day, we weren't here! (not that I'm complaining about THAT !)

So here I am, gardening, in the rain, come heck or high water.

(Witness Protection Program blurry face...)

AND I am wearing a FLEECE top under that raincoat !

Supposed to be nice tomorrow ! (I'll believe it when I see it.) 

4th of July ....and...NO RAIN !!!!!

At least there was no rain where I was!! Which is good enough for me!

I hear there WAS rain back home, but what the heck. I didn't really care. (sorry...)

This is a view from my nephew's balcony. THIS is where we were the 4th of July, all day.

New York City ish...(Called New Jersey)

I've never seen anything so spectacular.

This was at sunset. The fireworks were in the Hudson River this year, to commemorate the 400th year since Henry Hudson stumbled upon the Hudson River.

The fire boat is shooting water, for effect, no doubt. When it started, one strand of water was bright red and another was bright blue. You know, for the Red, White and Blue stuff.

However, the red and the blue ran out after a while, so it was all white.

That is one of the Macy's fireworks barges, which situated itself around 6 PM. There were SIX of them. All conveniently located right in front of our vantage point. It was really nice of them to do that, doncha think?

It's starting to get dark...an important ingredient for fireworks. You can see 2 of the barges here.

Voila !!!  Fireworks!!! All computerized, so that all six barges shot out the same stuff, timed perfectly. 

Sidebar: When it was all over, and we all caught our collective breaths, and were thankful that the balcony didn't collapse under the weight of all of our bodies that were eating and drinking all day.....we noticed that one of the barges was on FIRE !!!! A really good sized FIRE!! With flames, and all.

Were any of the fireboats around? Heck, no.

Some little rinky dink boat pulled up and some guy took out one hose and doused the flames.... in due time.

It was a wonderful day. Thanks, my beautiful nephew !!

THEN, as if that wasn't enough, the next day we got taken on a schooner trip up and down the aforementioned Hudson River. (NOTE: no rain...)

It was in the low 80's and breezy enough to use the sails on the schooner, which I think is the main idea.

We went down river, past where the poor twin towers used to be, :-( , and down to the Statue of Liberty, around it, and back up river. We didn't fall off the ship, even when it was sailing completely on it's side. And most importantly, I didn't get sea sick, which I am prone to do even just walking around.

We had a wonderful weekend, stayed dry as a bone, and now are back home.

Thank you my dear sister and husband.

I hope you all had a great weekend, too.

Update: It's 9:35 AM on Tuesday and it's (gulp) raining.

@&%$*(@)^%^***!!!!!

As I said.....@&%$*(@)^%^***!!!!!

(somebody.....help us.)

Insomnia moments....

It's 4:29 AM. I can't sleep. As a matter of fact, I've been up since about 2:30 AM. Whenever either of us can't sleep, we turn on the tv in the bedroom and usually the droning on of Tru TV puts us back to slumberland.

But not tonight.

I watched 2 entire episodes of Tru TV (actuality, not reality is their motto). 

All night long they do crime scene stories....I hate to say this, but watching them solve people's murders is more comforting than having the TV tuned in to the News channels. The real news is way too depressing.

So there was this one guy in Florida that murdered his wife. It was his second marriage. His first wife mysteriously hung herself for no apparent reason.

They were married for 16 years, he and the second wife. She had all kinds of assets and he owed 68,000 bucks on his charge card. He looked to be in his late fifties or early sixties.

He was in real estate, but nobody he worked with knew he was married! (Red flag, ya think?)

They took a weekend trip from Jacksonville to Key West in January.

She disappeared from their Motel room the next day. He was so distraught! (NOT !)

(by the way, the news, that I am now watching in the family room, just reported that Michael Jackson is NOT the biological father of any of his kids  AND Debbie Rowe is NOT the biological mother of the first 2 kids, she was a surrogate, just carried someone elses fertilized egg to term.)

Anyway, back to the crime. Long story short, he shot her in their garage, wrapped her in trash bags and duct tape, buried her in a shallow grave (it's always a shallow grave, isn't it) in an abandoned golf course and then drove himself to Key West and reported her missing there.

He was found out by the pings on his cell phone (which placed him directly at the golf course because he actually ANSWERED HIS CELL PHONE WHILE DIGGING HER GRAVE), his GPS thingy tracked his exact route to Key West, Video cameras at a convenience store showed him alone, a video camera at a toll booth showed there was NO passenger in his car and all the food he ordered while there was only for one person! Then they traced the duct tape on her body to the duct tape in his garage. Researched his hard drive on his computer. He had all kinds of on line relationships. Even put his own photo on a dating service !! 

Guilty as charged.

Lesson: All these modern conveniences we have.....they are tracing your exacts movements, bowel or otherwise.

It's 4:54. Still wide-eyed and bushytailed. 

Hey, you think that guy had problems...How would you like the be the engineer that designed this building???

This is a 13 story building in Shanghai that tipped over, all by itself. (Brand new and unoccupied, thank goodness. It would surely ruin your day if you lived here.)


OK, let's see, what else.....I just had a cup of tea and saltines with dijon mustard on them. About 12 of them. Still talking about Michael God Rest his Soul Jackson on TV and, I know this is hard to believe, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO RAIN OUT !! (see previous 3 posts....)

It is now light out.....

For CAM...a relative coming to visit the rain forest where we live....

Today, tomorrow, the next day and the next day.

Bring raingear.

And an ark.

We had a little fire in the woodstove yesterday.

Anything else you want to know?

My SunRainday picture...

GUESS what it's doing ALL DAY today ??&%$#@????

Hint:

sigh....

Update: Monday.....rained all day.

SUN !!!!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been out doing this...

Well, not really sunbathing, BUT I have been out and enjoying that bright yellow thing up in the sky. It's warm and bright, just the way I like it.

By the way, that is not a photo of me.

Rain, rain...go away...no, really....

GO AWAY !!!!

Ever hear that saying, it goes something like this...."April showers, bring May showers,which bring June showers..." Isn't that how it goes? If it isn't, it should be re-written.

Even my cats won't go out today in fear of coming back in and looking like this:

So, on this rainy and very windy, cool day, this is what I suggest one does.

Or perhaps this:

Some canines would probably pop open a cold one:

Although all that snacking and drinking might lead to this....

If you HAVE to go out into the rain, this is rather a clever thing to use. 

These are kinda cute, but I don't know how you keep the rain out of your FACE!!

and believe it or not, some folks don't know how to use a regular umbrella correctly.

Actually, THIS is the umbrella that I want to be using...ASAP !!

Thank you very much.

UPDATE: Tuesday....it rained.

Wednesday....it's raining.

LAST DAY.......

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL TOMORROW !!

Yes, it’s true. Teachers are JUST as excited by summer vacation starting as the kids are! Yes, it’s true....teachers are people, too ! 

I know kids don’t think so. I am always amazed at the look of wonder when I run into a student at the mall and they look at me, like thinking, ‘what are YOU doing here????”  Oh, that’s right.  I’m never supposed to leave my classroom.....I forgot !I Just sleep with the crayons at night.  Right next to Midnight Blue.

But tomorrow IS the last day. This past Wednesday at 11:30 was my last day with the sweet little cherubs...but tomorrow is it for ME.  As much as I LOVE teaching, and I DO, all I have to say about tomorrow is....

YIPPPEEEE !